i change alot apparently.
i've always tried not to, i just do in the end. thats why i dont like getting close to people, i always end up hurting them one way or the other, and i cant stop it. cause i dont know how i do it
it just..happens.

“ Love is, like, really important. It’s good to be loved. Even if it’s only for one night. ” - Cassie

“ Do you know what hurts the most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before. Try to keep that feeling, because if it goes, you’ll never get it back ” - Cassie

i love you.

it's just one of those days

sometimes i wonder why i bother with things. everything i do seems to be wrong, and even when i try my hardest for something to be right... it's still wrong.
i'm just not in the mood for anything today, i'm too tired.
i want to get away from here, somewhere better. but i can't be bothered anymore.

i think i may just go for a walk...
nothing is happening here,
nothing ever does.

new favourite song

It Boys - Miss Hollywood

time to complain.

usually i wouldn't post about something like this, but i'm in an irritated mood so i will.
sometimes people post similar things to you, as just coincidence, but then sometimes you can just tell that someone is copying you.

http://charlottesblogings.blogspot.com/
i've recently started noticing the similarities in my blogs, and in hers.

i recently posted a blog about love, fake love infact.

http://dreamingiseasier.blogspot.com/2009/07/big-mouth-strikes-again.html

and then soon after so did she.

http://charlottesblogings.blogspot.com/2009/07/harry-potter-half-blood-prince.html


also, a few blogs ago i posted this picture:

and recently in her new blog she posted this picture:


{by the way i don't mean to call her 'she' all the time, i just don't know her name.}

i don't mind people reading my blogs, and being 'inspired' to write things, but i do mind them reading something i have wrote, something i feel and then taking my words and using them as their own.
it annoys me, only because i write these blogs to get things off my chest, to tell people how i feel, to express my emotions and dreams.
and then people go and rip off my blogs, i was almost at the point where i was going to stop blogging altogether if this is what happens. but then i decided, no. i will just blog about it, something this girl can't copy as it is about her. i don't mean to be nasty or anything, by now it is 1:35am and i am very tired, so i will stop now and just say one more thing...


please stop copying my blogs.

big mouth strikes again

i like sitting in my bedroom looking out my window at the rain.
it makes me feel safe for some reason, and it makes me wonder.
i don't know what about, but it just does.
it looks nice, and the sky looks so much cleaner after a big thunder storm.
thats what i like best.
the pureness of it, it's beautiful.

i'd like to be in this picture, i'd like to know what the girl was thinking at the time, how she was feeling.
i'd like to know what was going on behind the lense, who was taking it, when was it, what time, what day?
pictures hold so many stories, sometimes you just have to make up your own.


this world is so full of hatred.
but what gets me most is fakeness.
fake people, fake dreams, fake words, fake love.


we all do it, we've all done it.
we say we love someone, without actually meaning it.
sometimes we just see it as a word, but in reality its a word with a very strong meaning.
i don't know what the meaning is just yet, because i have never experienced true love.
i want to, yeah. and i know i will one day but all i am saying is that the word gets thrown around too much.

i know a boy, i'm not going to say his name but he has had multiple girlfriends. with every girl he has said he was in love with them, then met someone new and broke up with this he was supposedly in love with. he has done this so many times i have lost count, but it's fine for him
he doesn't have to lose sleep over it like us females do. he just repeats the cycle over and over again, without noticing the pain he is causing.
being told your loved, then having it ripped away hurts.
that is why i decided to not say it unless i truly believed it.
since then i have not said the word love without meaning it.
i don't mean saying "oh i love this top, i love this song"
i mean saying i love a person.
i love alot of people, all my friends. i am so greatful to every single one of them, they have all contributed towards my happiness.
this time last year my life was the complete opposite.
i'm not going to go into that, it's abit too personal
but i'm so glad i've learnt from my mistakes.
i miss aspects of last year, yeah..but i'm glad some are over and in the past.
i've gone through alot of phases, all of which have made me who i am today.
i am happy with the person i am, finally.

i once got told that if it wasn't for a certain person, i wouldnt like half the stuff i like now.
that is utter crap. because everyone hears about something, a band, checks them out and either likes them or they don't. just because someone liked them before you doesn't mean you are not allowed to like them either.
childish behaviour, from childish people.


i've been discussing the road trip to New York lately.
i have so many images of what i want the apartment to look like, each tiny detail would make it so perfect.

why do we get ourselves involved in so much drama?

i say that alot. because it does.
but most of the time we make it happen.
most of the time it is our fault.

why do we thrive off drama? having problems?
fair enough, sometimes we can't help it but there is people who sit down, and think of ways to make other peoples lives miserable. i dislike people like that.
shallow, self-centered people.
i'm not going to be the one to cause drama today. so i'm just going to leave it....


here.

dear gravity, you held me down in the starless city.

dreams.
we all have them, they all change from time to time but none the less we all have them.
what we want to do, what we want to have, where we want to go, who we want to be.
the significant word there is the word 'want'.
we all want these things, but do we want them enough to actually get them?
i'm the kind of girl that will do everything she can to fulfill her dreams.
one day i will be in the most amazing place in the world
i will meet the most amazing people in the world.
that is what keeps me going, knowing that one day my life will be how i've always wanted it.


Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before… try and keep that feeling, because… if it goes… you’ll never get it back
Chris Miles: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world… and everything in it.


i've never been in love. i've thought it was love, but it never was.
i will find it one day, but it's something i can't rush.
and i don't mind that.

we all lie about something.

whether it's something small like where we bought something, to something quite big. like who we are.
society is full or liars.
we are all one.
we all have a lie told about us.
we all tell lies.
even if it's the smallest thing, we have all told one. and there is no denying that.
i'm not trying to say it is a bad thing, because sometimes it makes everything easier, makes someone feel better, stops something bad from happening. but why do we do it?
why do we have the urge to not tell the truth?
what triggers that thought in our mind that says 'lie'?
i'd try and not lie, but then i would just be more of a liar for trying.
everyone twists the truth, even if its just the slightest amount.
it's just who we are.
but people shouldnt lie about themselves, who they are; because that's the one thing people rely on.
some rely on looks, but for quite a few people out there, it's personality.
myself, i prefer someone with a good personality, someone who i can talk to for hours on end and not get bored with.
we never get exactly what we ask for, but it would be too selfish to complain.

i'd be a liar if i said i was happy right now.
but i would also be a liar if i said i was sad.
my life is just in the middle
not too much happy, not too much sad. i can deal with that, it's well-balanced.

a very good friend of mine told me that they think everyone's eyes tell a story today.
and i complete agree with that.
if you look into someones eyes you can feel how someone is feeling and see what they are seeing.
my childhood was always strange. i don't know if it was a good childhood or not, but for the majority of it, i think i was happy.
i sometimes miss that little girl who was out everyday, who didnt care about anything but playing in the garden.



i wish i was more capable of remembering things. i would like to remember more of my Grandad, he passed away when i was 3. i would like to know what life would be like for me if he was still alive today.
we all say we dislike our parents at one point, and that they are no good. but are they truly that bad? i don't think they are. i'm grateful to my parents for everything they have ever done for me.

i've been reading 'A Child Called It.' lately and the boy's mother is vile. i can't come to terms with how a human being could be so mean.

"Once home, Mother ordered me to strip off my clothes and stand by the kitchen stove. I shook from a combination of fear and embarrassment. She then revealed my hideous crime. Mother told me that she had often driven to school to watch my brothers and I play during our lunch period recess. Mother claimed that she had seen me that very day playing on the grass, which was absolutely forbidden by her rules. I quickly answered that I never played on the grass. I knew Mother had somehow made a mistake. My reward for observing Mother's rules and telling the truth was a hard punch in the face.
Mother then reached over and turned on the gas burners to the kitchen stove. Mother told me that she had read an article about a Mother who had her son lie on top of a hot stove. I instantly became terrified. My brain became numb, and my legs wobbled. I wanted to disappear. I closed my eyes, wishing her away. My brain locked up when I felt Mother's hand clamp my arm as if it were a vice grip.
'You've made my life a living hell!' she sneered.
'Now it's time I showed you what hell is like!'
Gripping my arm, Mothet held it in the orange-blue flame. My skin seemed to explode from the heat. I could smell the scorches from my burnt arm. As hard as I fought I could not force Mother to let go of my arm. Finally I fell to the floor, on my hands and knees, and tried to blow cool air on my arm."

there are worse moments in the book, it's horrible.


finally it is the summer holidays. i was sitting on the bus on the way to town on saturday, listening to Coldplay. It was relaxing and it gave me time to think.
we always say how we are going to make the up-coming summer the 'best yet'
but we never do. this time i want to stick by making it the best yet, and make some memories.
suprisingly i already have, with the 4 days we have had off.
there is too many to write down, but i hope each day i spend with my friends is as good as that.